PTSD. (Read the Sepsis post first otherwise this won't make sense)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For so long I never really knew how I 'coped' with not having any kind of counselling through my life, considering I have had quite a lot go on.

This is why I started my blog, as I said at the beginning. It was to try and 'self council' myself. But more recently nothing I have done for myself has really worked.

During the Coronavirus Pandemic, I had alot of time to think, I wrote two blogs in that time. Two of the most traumatic ones, my face surgery and when I had Sepsis. 

Now, if you read my sepsis blog, you would know that the cellulitis started from a vaccination.

So, now in 2021 Boris is talking about the corona vaccine. I have been talking about it with my friends and family completely aware that I will need it as I am vulnerable and have been shielding for what seems like forever...! But it came to my realization that whenever it was mentioned I got agitated, and then my symptoms started to get worse. Any mention of the vaccine and I would go cold, my nails would turn blue, I would shake, my breathing would become rapid. But worst of all I started to get flashbacks, and phantom pain in my left arm.

I would just be sat in my living room, and have a random flashback of being in my hospital bed in ITU, my left arm where I had the cellulitis would just ache continuously as though it was happening now. My whole body became sensitive to touch and my eyes would leak. Now saying this sounds so strange, but it wasn't as if I wanted to cry or felt like I needed to cry, it just came out. It was also a different cry, when I normally cry my eyes go red and stay red for a long period of time, whereas with this it would come a long and then go again and my eyes wouldn't go red.

It was all very strange to me, I knew what I was experiencing wasn't normal, but equally it wasn't irrational. I have had anxiety before and irrational thoughts and I can easily tell the difference with this. 

I knew it was my body's way of trying to understand what happened over two years ago, and I knew the trigger. But knowing this doesn't help me deal with the symptoms day in day out. It has started to effect my sleep too, I am unable to sleep through the night which is unheard of for me, I am a really good sleeper - it is one of my strengths.

I would have good days and bad days, but it was like if I had a good day I knew I would have a bad day the next day. It was so draining. Trying to live life day by day but feeling completely exhausted, drained, confused, the absolute will to want to get rid of these feelings but knowing they're not going to just go away. 

I got diagnosed with PTSD by my GP who said I would need some support in order to help me move forward. 

I started private counselling, CBT and holistic therapy. My lady, has been a god send. My very first consultation it was very clear what the issue was. I could sit there and talk about all of my previous experiences in great detail and have no emotional reaction. However as soon as I got to Sepsis I couldn't talk properly, I couldn't explain my feelings, I cried without control over my tears.

 

At this point I have had 8 weeks of therapy and it is working so well. I have had one session of hypnotherapy and I have another booked in, I am not yet due to be discharged from services as there is still alot of work to be done. But, I am better than I was, I am able to write this and not cry, shake, go blue or feel like I'm sat in a freezer. I am still very much on edge every day, I have continuous anxiety but I have ways of trying to deal with it. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but I know the feeling wont last forever. 

I have a lot of guilt for how I can be outwardly towards friends and family. I am aware that I can be very agitated and irritated, so I am trying my best to keep things 'under control' but yet again.... it shows that I have the best people around me. When I'm having a bad day they will talk about my stress if I want to or they will just try and keep my mind pre-occupied. 

Having PTSD and being a mum, now there is a real issue. I am very self critical as a mum anyway. So when I am in this head space my irrational thoughts take over and that is debilitating at times. At this point I am aware that Penelope is absolutely fine and I have tried with every ounce of my being to not let her see when I am having a 'moment', but equally children can't be hidden from raw emotions, they need to know it is OK to cry when you feel sad.

I have had my first vaccine for corona, the night before I had it I had extreme anxiety understandably. I got into bed. Lied down straight, and shut my eyes. In that moment right there I was back in the CT scanner, when I had a brain scan during the sepsis ordeal. It felt so real, I was there, I was being pulled out of the scanning machine because I started having a seizure, I saw the nurse that gave me Midazolam in my IV line and then it all went blank again. And I just lied there, in my bed, tears rolling down my face with no way of trying to stop these visions and pain. 

The day I went in for my jab, my step dad came with me for moral support. I couldn't talk to the people that were there as I felt my voice breaking each time I tried to say 'can he come with me, because I have PTSD from a previous experience'. I had a Doctor perform the jab, and it was perfectly fine. It was good to have Steve (step dad) with me, as I could tell that my body was going to start with the normal physical reactions, as my right leg was shaking the whole time, but we managed to have a normal conversation to keep my mind from going into over drive.

As this is a ongoing issue at the moment, I won't 'finish' this post here, and I will be sure to come back and give you an update on when I am better. To reflect again on my experiences and feelings.

Here is a picture that I took not long after having a slight anxiety attack and just feeling numb, you can tell as my face looks so miserable haha. 

I guess I'm sharing this, because it is OK to not be OK and I hope sharing my story will help someone else a little... 

Thanks for reading..x